Saturday, March 12, 2011


Every day I live my life behind a facade. I've erected a wall that I attempt to cower behind. Growing up I was abused: verbally, physically, sexually. I was treated like no one should be treated. I was told things that ruins one's self esteem. I thought I was useless.

Today, I stand here believing everything I was told. Believing that I'm a failure. Believing that I ruined the lives of those around me. Believing that no matter how hard I try, that my life is damned to end horribly. I let the words play in my mind over and over again. Stupid. Failure. Worthless. Fat. Ugly.

My mom wanted to abort me when I was conceived - and my dad was all for it. However she was not of age and could not get a signature from her parents who made her keep me. My mom and dad both told me that I ruined their lives. My dad delved into alcohol and my mom into drugs. I became numb to everything.

After being pulled from the depths of my "closet" I was rejected from my town, my church, and for the most part, my family. I was "gaybashed" - the words, the emails, the phone calls, the looks. It was nearly unbearable. I thought I would be best off to no longer breathe another breath. Thoughts of suicide raced through my mind - and a friend showed me the movie "Prayers for Bobby" - and after seeing that movie, my life seemed to have more value.

Today, I am smart. I am successful. I'm gay and proud. I'm independent. I'm Kris. Even though I know these things, I continue to reject them in order to believe the lies instilled in me from infancy. So my solution is to try to be more than what I am. So in light of all of this nonsensical ranting and without further ado, I give you the real Kristofer:

I'm 19 years old and a student in Florida. I was born and raised in a small, country, bible-belt town that frowns upon homosexuality. Yes, I'm very proud of who I am. I'm not the brightest. I have plenty of "book smarts" but not much "street smarts" and common sense. I love to read, write, take photographs, and travel. I've traveled the world to and fro. From Japan and the Philippines to Europe, to South America. Traveling is a passion that I will never abandon. I'm a journalism major - and I want to teach English in Asia. Following that, I want to pursue entertainment/fashion journalism in Italy or Spain. I was born and raised a Christian and I still hold fast to my beliefs though quite often I act like I could care less about my faith. I tend to act "whore-ish" though in reality it's all talk. Most of this is due to my severe insecurity. I'm quite conservative though I curse like a sailor. I wish that I could just be "Kris" without feeling inferior to the world around me. Above all, I just want others to be happy. I could care much less about myself - but to put a smile on another's face is what I live for.

I'm Kris. Either you love me for who I am or you go on with your life without ever knowing what an amazing person that I can be when given the chance.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Roads by Yours Truly


Heading into the

Leading a life of


Life is going

Around every corner I find


Tomorrow can be

With ever defeat comes


Finally my day has

This day, today, is


Behold, I stand

I will choose to be


Turning from this darkness I

Living a life that I


I must look ahead and

I must look behind and


So I wrote this poem (today, actually) and I plan to use it as my motivation for my tomorrow. As I watch the proverbial sunrise on a new path in my life, I have to use past experiences to learn, to look ahead and know that I am capable of more than I accredit myself for being able to accomplish. There's much changing in my life as of recent - so it seems since about August - and I need to blog about it all, but I feel as if it is all too soon for me to recollect. I will though, eventually, decide to blog and tell everything that this smile, this heart, and this life is hiding. Perhaps my next post? Perhaps not.


Friday, February 11, 2011

Oh, really?

Hey my love(s)...

So life, once again, has been throwing it's hurdles and curve balls that - at some point today - I plan on blogging about. I just wanted to say hello. I love you all!


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Rainy day...

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Life, Rants, Etc.

Alas, it is only Wednesday however this has been one of the longest (and hardest) weeks to endure.

Lately, I've learned a lot about my life and what I'm doing with my life: what is my purpose, where am I heading, what do I believe? Before I moved out on my own and really came out of the closet, I was deeply rooted within my faith and my church. Since moving, I've not lost my faith but in a sense I've been spiritually dead. I don't want that.

Why do I always seem to think it's impossible to be both me (Kris, gay, etc.) and a Christian. That's not impossible - in fact - it's completely possible. As of late I've found myself growing in my faith again and regaining what it is that I've lost - and let me be the first to say that not only do I miss it, but I am so much happier, even in this time.

This week a very close friend of mine from early childhood took her life. This devastating moment has really helped me to grasp the idea that tomorrow isn't promised and that I'm here now - and need to make the best of it. Not only that, but I need to take advantage of the opportunities that I have to be there for someone else, and not to let any moment slip away from me. I'm serious, this week has been quite the revelation week for my life.



I've been slowly falling into a pattern of "I'll do it later" or "I'll do it tomorrow"... and this includes my school work. I'm a week behind. Someone slap me. I've been bad. Heh. Wow. I'm not a whore. I swear.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Rain Rain Go Away, That's What All My Haters Say!

Oh my!

Well, damn. It's been a while - I'm such a slacker! Life has been hurling a fuck-ton of mind-fucks as of late and I just can't seem to get the time to sit and enjoy writing to all of my loves here in my abyss.

Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about decisions that I have made and those that I have to make - and my overall direction. I do a lot of this sort of reflective shit, I know, but it really helps me to figure my way around this crazy world.

First of all, I have to say that this time of the year seems like "breeding season" or something. Mostly everyone I know is presently in a state of constant "arousal". What the hell, guys. Horny bastards. I know we all have our moments, but everyone is horny and ready to fuck. This may sound silly, but it's a lot more common right now than usual. I think it's that Post-Holiday, cuddling weather, stressed-because-classes-just-started sort of horny, though.

Oh! So, I'm officially done with working at Spencer's and though I absolutely enjoyed it, I'm glad I'm getting more hours at The Body Shop! I love my bosses and co-workers and the atmosphere is phenomenal - not to mention the products have really improved the overall condition of my skin! I mean, sure I say that at work, but off-the-record: This stuff really works! I love how my skin has cleared up and is always glowing and soft! Oh, and of course I love leaving work and smelling so delicious; but trust me when I say that those scents can be overwhelming which doesn't mix well with my migraines. Bleh. But so far I have only wonderful things to say about my employment at The Body Shop.

As mentioned earlier, I have been doing a decent amount of thinking... I have finally decided that I am not allowing myself to move back to the part of my life that was nearest hell as possible: Starke, Florida. That's just not going to happen! There is a cute 1/1 Apartment that is $350 dollars a month that I'm more than inclined to sign a lease for - it would be perfect! I just can't seem to make myself go back to Starke. There's no way I could put myself through all of that bullshit once again!

I keep thinking that one day I will get my turn, but the more shit happens, the more discouraged I become. Oh well - I really don't have much time to keep blogging, but there's so much more I want to discuss. For the next three days, I will blog until my fingers fall... about everything! Ah, so many things to share!

Much love, everyone!


Thursday, January 20, 2011


Life is taking its share of turns and changes...

I will be blogging more soon! Thanks for reading, I love you all! Feel free to say hi!

Love you


Saturday, January 1, 2011

1/1/11 - Really?

Incoherency. Tequila.

Need I say more?

As 2011 approached I spent a decent amount of time reflecting over 2010 and my goals for 2011 - and I came to a scary realization: my goals this year are strikingly similar to my goals last year. It seems to me that we are always achieving a goal - and still seeking to improve it and continue to grow within that goal. Many of my goals last year (if I stop and think for a minute) I have accomplished and achieved; so why are so many of my goals the same?

As we achieve something, we don't always get the same result or gratification that we expect - or if you're just an over achiever like many of my friends (including myself) - it is expected that once a goal is achieved you continue to expound upon it.

Also, it really makes me "SMH" (shake my head) at how many statuses (that is the plural, right?) were about weight loss and exercising because it never seems to happen. Why do we wait until the first of the year to worry about getting in to shape and taking care of ourselves - when inevitably we're going to screw it up anyways. But I would like to take this time to announce that in August I set a goal for myself to lose 50lbs by Christmas. On Dec. 25th at 8:00am I recorded a loss of 49lbs. *cheers and confetti*

I feel quite accomplished with that loss - and now my goal is to lose 80lbs more in 2011.

Oh, so school starts back on Wednesday and I'm taking my classes online. Why? To try and optimize my hours available at work. $380 dollars for rent and money for other bills and money for "living expenses" is hard to earn and save. Save. SAVE.

Such a taunting little bitch of a word, isn't it?

So, I apologize for this mindless banter. One of my goals for 2011 is to make my blog much more interesting complete with all sorts of projects and posts, etc.

For now, enjoy your night and Happy New Years!