Saturday, March 12, 2011


Every day I live my life behind a facade. I've erected a wall that I attempt to cower behind. Growing up I was abused: verbally, physically, sexually. I was treated like no one should be treated. I was told things that ruins one's self esteem. I thought I was useless.

Today, I stand here believing everything I was told. Believing that I'm a failure. Believing that I ruined the lives of those around me. Believing that no matter how hard I try, that my life is damned to end horribly. I let the words play in my mind over and over again. Stupid. Failure. Worthless. Fat. Ugly.

My mom wanted to abort me when I was conceived - and my dad was all for it. However she was not of age and could not get a signature from her parents who made her keep me. My mom and dad both told me that I ruined their lives. My dad delved into alcohol and my mom into drugs. I became numb to everything.

After being pulled from the depths of my "closet" I was rejected from my town, my church, and for the most part, my family. I was "gaybashed" - the words, the emails, the phone calls, the looks. It was nearly unbearable. I thought I would be best off to no longer breathe another breath. Thoughts of suicide raced through my mind - and a friend showed me the movie "Prayers for Bobby" - and after seeing that movie, my life seemed to have more value.

Today, I am smart. I am successful. I'm gay and proud. I'm independent. I'm Kris. Even though I know these things, I continue to reject them in order to believe the lies instilled in me from infancy. So my solution is to try to be more than what I am. So in light of all of this nonsensical ranting and without further ado, I give you the real Kristofer:

I'm 19 years old and a student in Florida. I was born and raised in a small, country, bible-belt town that frowns upon homosexuality. Yes, I'm very proud of who I am. I'm not the brightest. I have plenty of "book smarts" but not much "street smarts" and common sense. I love to read, write, take photographs, and travel. I've traveled the world to and fro. From Japan and the Philippines to Europe, to South America. Traveling is a passion that I will never abandon. I'm a journalism major - and I want to teach English in Asia. Following that, I want to pursue entertainment/fashion journalism in Italy or Spain. I was born and raised a Christian and I still hold fast to my beliefs though quite often I act like I could care less about my faith. I tend to act "whore-ish" though in reality it's all talk. Most of this is due to my severe insecurity. I'm quite conservative though I curse like a sailor. I wish that I could just be "Kris" without feeling inferior to the world around me. Above all, I just want others to be happy. I could care much less about myself - but to put a smile on another's face is what I live for.

I'm Kris. Either you love me for who I am or you go on with your life without ever knowing what an amazing person that I can be when given the chance.