Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Reality.
Every day I live my life behind a facade. I've erected a wall that I attempt to cower behind. Growing up I was abused: verbally, physically, sexually. I was treated like no one should be treated. I was told things that ruins one's self esteem. I thought I was useless.
Today, I stand here believing everything I was told. Believing that I'm a failure. Believing that I ruined the lives of those around me. Believing that no matter how hard I try, that my life is damned to end horribly. I let the words play in my mind over and over again. Stupid. Failure. Worthless. Fat. Ugly.
Today, I am smart. I am successful. I'm gay and proud. I'm independent. I'm Kris. Even though I know these things, I continue to reject them in order to believe the lies instilled in me from infancy. So my solution is to try to be more than what I am. So in light of all of this nonsensical ranting and without further ado, I give you the real Kristofer:
I'm 19 years old and a student in Florida. I was born and raised in a small, country, bible-belt town that frowns upon homosexuality. Yes, I'm very proud of who I am. I'm not the brightest. I have plenty of "book smarts" but not much "street smarts" and common sense. I love to read, write, take photographs, and travel. I've traveled the world to and fro. From Japan and the Philippines to Europe, to South America. Traveling is a passion that I will never abandon. I'm a journalism major - and I want to teach English in Asia. Following that, I want to pursue entertainment/fashion journalism in Italy or Spain. I was born and raised a Christian and I still hold fast to my beliefs though quite often I act like I could care less about my faith. I tend to act "whore-ish" though in reality it's all talk. Most of this is due to my severe insecurity. I'm quite conservative though I curse like a sailor. I wish that I could just be "Kris" without feeling inferior to the world around me. Above all, I just want others to be happy. I could care much less about myself - but to put a smile on another's face is what I live for.
I'm Kris. Either you love me for who I am or you go on with your life without ever knowing what an amazing person that I can be when given the chance.
Today, I stand here believing everything I was told. Believing that I'm a failure. Believing that I ruined the lives of those around me. Believing that no matter how hard I try, that my life is damned to end horribly. I let the words play in my mind over and over again. Stupid. Failure. Worthless. Fat. Ugly.
My mom wanted to abort me when I was conceived - and my dad was all for it. However she was not of age and could not get a signature from her parents who made her keep me. My mom and dad both told me that I ruined their lives. My dad delved into alcohol and my mom into drugs. I became numb to everything.
After being pulled from the depths of my "closet" I was rejected from my town, my church, and for the most part, my family. I was "gaybashed" - the words, the emails, the phone calls, the looks. It was nearly unbearable. I thought I would be best off to no longer breathe another breath. Thoughts of suicide raced through my mind - and a friend showed me the movie "Prayers for Bobby" - and after seeing that movie, my life seemed to have more value.
After being pulled from the depths of my "closet" I was rejected from my town, my church, and for the most part, my family. I was "gaybashed" - the words, the emails, the phone calls, the looks. It was nearly unbearable. I thought I would be best off to no longer breathe another breath. Thoughts of suicide raced through my mind - and a friend showed me the movie "Prayers for Bobby" - and after seeing that movie, my life seemed to have more value.
Today, I am smart. I am successful. I'm gay and proud. I'm independent. I'm Kris. Even though I know these things, I continue to reject them in order to believe the lies instilled in me from infancy. So my solution is to try to be more than what I am. So in light of all of this nonsensical ranting and without further ado, I give you the real Kristofer:
I'm 19 years old and a student in Florida. I was born and raised in a small, country, bible-belt town that frowns upon homosexuality. Yes, I'm very proud of who I am. I'm not the brightest. I have plenty of "book smarts" but not much "street smarts" and common sense. I love to read, write, take photographs, and travel. I've traveled the world to and fro. From Japan and the Philippines to Europe, to South America. Traveling is a passion that I will never abandon. I'm a journalism major - and I want to teach English in Asia. Following that, I want to pursue entertainment/fashion journalism in Italy or Spain. I was born and raised a Christian and I still hold fast to my beliefs though quite often I act like I could care less about my faith. I tend to act "whore-ish" though in reality it's all talk. Most of this is due to my severe insecurity. I'm quite conservative though I curse like a sailor. I wish that I could just be "Kris" without feeling inferior to the world around me. Above all, I just want others to be happy. I could care much less about myself - but to put a smile on another's face is what I live for.
I'm Kris. Either you love me for who I am or you go on with your life without ever knowing what an amazing person that I can be when given the chance.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Roads by Yours Truly
Roads.
Heading into the
darkness
Leading a life of
failure
Disparity.
Life is going
nowhere
Around every corner I find
defeat
Hope.
Tomorrow can be
better
With ever defeat comes
change
Life.
Finally my day has
purpose
This day, today, is
mine
Future.
Behold, I stand
proud
I will choose to be
successful
Change.
Turning from this darkness I
live
Living a life that I
love
Now.
I must look ahead and
listen
I must look behind and
learn
Roads.
So I wrote this poem (today, actually) and I plan to use it as my motivation for my tomorrow. As I watch the proverbial sunrise on a new path in my life, I have to use past experiences to learn, to look ahead and know that I am capable of more than I accredit myself for being able to accomplish. There's much changing in my life as of recent - so it seems since about August - and I need to blog about it all, but I feel as if it is all too soon for me to recollect. I will though, eventually, decide to blog and tell everything that this smile, this heart, and this life is hiding. Perhaps my next post? Perhaps not.
Kris
Friday, February 11, 2011
Oh, really?
Hey my love(s)...
So life, once again, has been throwing it's hurdles and curve balls that - at some point today - I plan on blogging about. I just wanted to say hello. I love you all!
Kris
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)