I suppose.
As this holiday of wonder and merriment and glee (Glee!) and all of those other fluffy and delightful adjectives quickly approaches (tomorrow), I've started to ponder. What am I pondering, you ask? I'm pondering *thunder and lightning* how to take over the world!
No, seriously; what does Christmas mean to you? If you read this, post your answer in a comment below this post. But since I've asked I can only do the kindest of favors and share with you how Christmas has evolved in my life and what it has, unfortunately in some instances, grown to mean.
Well...
When I was a wee little one, Christmas was "the most wonderful time of the year" and was a day that I anticipated all year long. Not for the presents, not for the cookies and deserts, but for the decorations. I loved decorating my house and Christmas tree(s), my Granny's tree, and then if I was lucky, my Grandma's tree! Every year I would insist on my parent's driving me around so I could see all of the lights around town. My Grandpa and I would drive to Garden Ridge and other stores and places to look at decorations to add to our conglomeration - it was a passion that I know that I acquired from him (RIP Grandpa).
This continued until I was in 4th grade - when I woke up Christmas morning and new something was wrong. My dad was acting strange and my mom was gone - and she never left before our "family pictures" and before I opened my presents, but she claimed that she had to go clean her parent's house - which even I could see through - as usual. The events to follow are memories that I think would be best to keep from you though I would share in a one-on-one situation. But as the day ended, I was sitting in my room at my Granny's alone, afraid, and crying. My mom and dad had a fight, they split up, and would never be back together again. As sad, scared, and confused as I was - there was still hope. I knew that I wouldn't have to endure the things that I had endured growing up anymore - but I knew there was other hell(s) to ensue. Oh, now that's an understatement.
After this day, my view of Christmas (aside from the religious/Christian aspect of Christmas) began to change. It slowly progressed from a magical day to just another day. A day to remember the end to such a disaster. And end to something that I believed was my fault. It was a day that I wanted to forget - and for a few years, a day that I would neglect and attempt to hide from.
That went on for several years until I moved back to Starke and began making friends and attending FBC. Singing in the choir, making healthy, stable friends, etc. helped me to regain what I thought I had long lost.
Now when Christmas comes around, in some attempt to remember what I felt when I was a child, I put up my Christmas Tree(s), decorate my house/apartment, and listen to the music that made me smile those (not-so-long) years ago. I burn the wonderful candles, cook the scrumptious goodies, and go look at all of the lights - and forge some haphazard smile.
Yet here I sit: alone, surrounded by Christmas lights, presents, and candles... wondering what the next year will bring. Have I been successful this year? Have I used my time wisely? Why do I feel stuck? What's missing? What did I fail to do? What can I change about next year? Is Christmas a time to remember the end of the year is near - and bring it all to a close? Or should I save that for New Year's Eve?
That's all for now, my loves.
*hugs*
Kris
No comments:
Post a Comment